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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577023">all the feelings of the heart; 2seung</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wr1t1ngz/pseuds/knjuulpod'>knjuulpod (wr1t1ngz)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>seventeen ship shots [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups is Whipped, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Seungcheol Hiatus, seungcheol and seungkwan just know eachothers hearts well, teen and up for sex jokes lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:09:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,418</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577023</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wr1t1ngz/pseuds/knjuulpod</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"seungcheol supposes it’s because seungkwan is just as tender and compassionate as seungcheol. they have the same benevolent tendencies. seungcheol also supposes that, seungkwan’s trails through life and living expressively, open heartedly, makes him recognise the hardships of others much easier."</p><p>alternatively, a feelings discovery fic, in which seungcheol and seungkwan comfort and hold each others hearts all while learning just a little more about themselves.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>(mentioned) - Relationship, Boo Seungkwan/Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups, Kim Mingyu/Lee Jihoon | Woozi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>seventeen ship shots [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1064996</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all the feelings of the heart; 2seung</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is pretty short for my fics but this is a new ship for me lol. </p><p>perhaps an introspection ahead. </p><p>usually, especially previously, i like to write for hansol and seungkwan. much like how i write for yoongi and namjoon. i feel like my internal monologues fit closely to those of vernon, namjoon, yoongi. seungcheol is a member i contrast in many ways, and as my writing often reflects my heart, i find difficulty when writing for people i contrast. however, seungcheol’s parental yet anxious image is one i feel closely, and there are some small trivialities which i also see in myself. but i thought that, with seungcheol on hiatus there’s a lot more to explore emotionally, which as some of my readers will know is practically my favourite aspect of writing.</p><p> i, much like seungcheol, don’t like to voice out my feelings, my worries. i try to work through them quietly but writing is an outlet for me sometimes. most of the time it’s subtle, not particularly deep (“i’d love to love you”, “spring day: a letter to my love”, “i know in your head you see me instead”). but other times, i don’t think i’d be capable of living as i do without letting out all my ugly sadness and worry into the world vicariously through my writing (“you know it all, you’re my best friend”, “i’ll be okay, we’re okay.”, and most significantly, “one step at a time”)</p><p>every fic i’ve written since “in which seungkwan has never been in love” has been one that i hold close to me in some form. the paragraphs of emotional ranting that has gone into some of those is probably nothing more than tedious for my readers and i apologise for that but i like making humans human. </p><p>anyways, i hope that, in this fic, i am capable of writing seungcheol well. i always worry about my representations. i hope that you receive him well. i hope that, despite my contrast with him, i do well. </p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol knows his members better than he knows himself at times, he can feel their energy, their passion, their auras. seungcheol knows seventeen in ways he’s never known himself. seungcheol can tell his members love what they do, but sometimes he thinks that the way seungkwan loves it all is so much more heart wrenching. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan was so young when he came to seoul. so young, so inexperienced, but oh so passionate. at the time he seemed like nothing more than a small town boy with full cheeks and a twinkle in his eyes. but now, now seungcheol knows better than that. seungcheol knows the way that seungkwan positive energy is fueled by his want to have this journey never end. seungcheol knows that seungkwan would sing till his throat went raw and his mind knew nothing but the lyrics. seungcheol knew that seungkwan would do whatever it takes to keep seventeen for as long as humanly possible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“if you weren’t leader, who do you think would lead seventeen well?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>years ago, when they’d just debuted, seungcheol might have said jihoon or soonyoung. maybe even jeonghan. but as he grows up and as he experiences his members he knows there’d only truly be one option. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“seungkwan of course.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol thinks that he can’t even regard seungkwan the only option, it wouldn’t be a choice, but a necessity. seungcheol is sure that seungkwan could carry the group to stardom and beyond. but his heart feels heavy thinking about a 17 year old jeju boy with nothing but stars in his eyes and a tightness in his heart having to carry the group. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>and seungcheol believes that he’s doing pretty good, despite the hiatus he’s on. as morbid as it may be, seungcheol thinks that if something were to happen now, seungkwan could hold the group well. with all the hardships that seventeen endure at times and all the moments where seungcheol feels like he can’t be the perfect leader, like he can’t get them out of whatever darkness they’re facing, in moments like those, seungcheol feels beyond grateful for seungkwan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>there was once an argument amongst the members. it started between mingyu and seungkwan, unsurprisingly, something about seungkwan overcompensating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol remembers it starting lightly, vernon joined in too, talking about how seungkwan always does </span>
  <em>
    <span>“too much” </span>
  </em>
  <span>and how it wouldn’t kill him to take a step back and just relax. seungcheol knows hansol meant nothing more than to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>“stop working yourself so hard.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> but hansol’s never been one for subtlety. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeonghan stepped in soon enough, always a peace keeper in the group despite his antics at times. seungcheol thinks that jeonghan understands the minds of the members as if he truly was a parent in their lives, as if he’s known them their whole lives. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seungkwan come on! you don’t need to always push seventeen’s image into everything! we won’t go bankrupt if just because you don't do variety shows!” there was far too much bite in mingyus words at the time, seungkwan looked broken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“mingyu-hyung with all do respect i do it because i like it too!” seungkwan had responded, voice weak and cheeks flushed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“oh yeah? so what? so you can become a variety master and then have a backup plan beyond the group?” mingyu argues back, chuckling condescending</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol thought that at that point there was no way that this could get any worse, no way that this could go any further. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seungkwan that’s rich coming from someone who cries his eyes out at concerts mumbling about how you want to do this forever. crying in front of carats? are you emotionally guilt tripping them or something? all you do is cry about how you never want this to end but you’re out there doing anything other than be away from the group.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>maybe, if it was soonyoung, or chan or really, anyone else, that had said it, seungkwan wouldn’t have reacted the way he did. but it had to be hansol. it had to be seungkwans best friend. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan choked, tears streaming from his eyes as he searched for the right words “you know everything i do is for the group! </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, hansol vernon chwe, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>know better than anyone else that i want nothing more than this! and that, that,” seungkwan’s head drops and seungcheol looks at hansol who instincively reaches out to seungkwan but holds himself back, “you know that i do nothing but honour and idolise the members. that i love this group and all i’ve been given, more than anything in the world. you know everything i’ve been through, you know things the rest of this group doesn’t and you have the audacity to say that to me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the rest of the group have long gone silent. seungkwan never yelled at anyone when he was upset, never, he yelled jokingly in interviews or when he wanted them to give his charger back, but never during arguments. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol swears that in that moment, seungkwan saw nothing but hansol and hansol saw nothing but regret. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol knows that hansol’s aware of his mistake. in more places than one. not only did he have to poke at seungkwan’s loyalty but to his emotional tendencies. two things that weigh seungkwan’s heart down at all times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan left the room not long after, mingyu moving to follow him. jeonghan put his arm out, stopping him from doing so before nodding to seungcheol. a silent plea of, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“we need our leader right now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol moved before mingyu had, he didn’t want to do this as seungkwan’s leader. he needed to do this as his friend. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol got given the title of seventeen’s leader not only because he’s the oldest, nor because he’s the most talented, but because he’s always put his members first, put their well being above his own. above the company. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol’s leader because he promised to always represent the members in the company eye and to represent the company for the members. he’s a middle ground, the communication channel between the two. usually, albeit putting his members above the company, seungcheol does try to stay equal. he doesn't want to make the company look bad or only work in the members’ favour. he knows there’s a degree of discretion he needs to maintain between the two. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>but when he sees seungkwan, knees tucked under his chin as he make his body as small as possible, fingers tugging relentlessly at his hair, seungcheol knows he’d burn down pledis for seungkwan to just feel okay again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>whether that's his responsibility as the leader, or as a friend, he doesn’t know exactly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seungkwan-ie” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol settles next to seungkwan, arm reaching around his shoulders to pull seungkwan’s hands from his hair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“don’t do that.” seungcheol mumbles quietly, clutching seungkwan’s hands in his own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan, since early in their training period, had a tedious habit of tugging at his hair whenever he was crying or in some form of dark emotional state. seungcheol remembers back when seungkwan used to get the worst panic attacks. he’d run to the bathroom, fingers pulling so hard at his hair that he’d pull some out. it used to make the members beyond anxious. it’s not the most extreme form of self injury but it’s nerve wracking to witness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you know that hansol-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“save it hyung.” seungkwan cuts him off, seungcheol ought to be mad, tell seungkwan to just listen to him, but sometimes it is as difficult to lose one’s temper as it is difficult at other times to keep it</span>
  <span>1</span>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, okay.” seungcheol sighs, pulling seungkwan gently into his chest. “i just, i hope you know we always appreciate you. you’re our seungkwan, our hardworking mc, our variety master. it’s hard for us sometimes, because it feels like you’re going places we don’t always follow. but we admire you. </span>
  <em>
    <span>i</span>
  </em>
  <span> admire you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan sighs into seungcheol’s shoulder, tears sinking through seungcheols shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“and like hansol, we all, we get worried when you work so hard because you’re so prone to throwing your well being away.” seungcheol concludes, fingers gently treading through seungkwans hair, contrasting the tugs of earlier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“that’s nonsense seungcheol hyung.” seungkwan mutters, “i’m the one always telling you guys to take your vitamins, to drink water, remind you to do laundry.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol can’t help but chuckle, “but you’re the one up till 2 in the morning writing messages to carats, you’re the one taking every opportunity and filling your schedule to the brim. you’re the one who lives off of iced americanos and advil.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan stiffens in seungcheol’s arms, not aware that seungcheol knew about his recent abuse of painkillers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i see you seungkwan, i know you may think it’s nothing but you breathe advil and i’ve seen all the hot pain packs in your trash. it’s not good for you, it’s not good for my heart. i don’t want to see our brightest light faltering.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the heat on seungkwans cheeks and heavy rhythm of his heart when seungcheol looks at him isn’t new at all. when seungcheol speaks to him like this, so beautifully, as if he truly loves him, it leaves seungkwan breathless and sometimes, more often than he’d like to admit, sleepless. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i just want you to love you the way we love you. and sometimes, the members, and me, we don’t always know how to communicate our feelings because we get overwhelmed. and that’s okay too. i know you kwan, you understand that they didn’t mean to say things the way they did. they’re just frustrated. and don’t tell him i said this, but, hansol misses you. he truly does. you ground him, you ground all of us. he’s sad. he truly is, because things simply do not fit when you’re not around.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“he reached out for me.” seungkwan comments distantly, head comfortable in the crook of seungcheols neck, tears long forgotten. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“he always does.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“so do you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol frowns briefly down at seungkwan and the younger swallows hard, “i mean, you do for all of us you know. I just mean that, well, when anything happens you’re here to support us and hold our hearts while we can't and i know it’s because you’re leader, but-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“well,” seungcheol ponders the words most suited, “it’s more than that too, i love you. you’re important to me. I want to be able to hold your heart, not just as your leader, but more as your friend.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol smiles, “thanks hyung.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i love you too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol, despite often scolding the members for their sleeping schedules, stays up undeniably late.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it’s not that he’s not tired, of course he is. practise, working on the album, and so much more physical activity makes him ready to hit the sheets pretty much 24/7. but his mind is busy, thoughts and worries buzzing around till the deep hours of the night. but regardless of how worrying his own sleeping schedule is, seungcheol doesn’t mind it all that much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>when your life is busy and loud during the day, you find refuge under the stars. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>there’s something scerenic about seoul that seungcheol had always admired growing up. he didn’t grow up in seoul, most of the members didn’t. but he thinks that, albeit seoul isn’t home, it’s close.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>then again, what can he define as home? with all the movement they do, places they go, it’s hard to feel grounded sometimes. and seungcheol requires that. sometimes, he thinks, that his anxiety was nothing but boosted by his lack of a ‘home’. his hiatus granted him with some time to visit family. seeing seungmin helped. seungcheol loves his brother, more than he’d like to admit to his face. seungmin always knew what was happening in seungcheols mind, knew how to get his worries out of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his mom fed him endlessly, telling him that he deserves a break. it made him feel less guilty about leaving the members to work while he couldn’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>nevertheless, there’s something light about seoul. well, nights in seoul, more than days. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the rooftop of their dorms has been made cozy. supposedly by jeonghan and myungho, who worked endlessly on buying comfortable furniture and other things to make the roof a social space away from society. seungcheol worries they’ll be sad if they move dorms again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>but he knows his mind shouldn’t drift into futures that aren’t promised. so he brings himself back. it’s probably no later than midnight, he assumes, but in all honesty the trance the stars puts him in makes him forget that he’s human. sometimes, when his heart is particularly heavy and mind further gone than he’d like, seungcheol starts to feel like a star. just endlessly burning out in the galaxy, to be admired but never touched. seungcheol doesn’t want to be a star. he’s not made for admiration; he craves touch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“hyung.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol had grown a habit of always turning whenever someone called out for a hyung. he was the eldest after all, it only made sense. sometimes, most times, they weren’t calling him, but he still looks. always.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seungkwan-ah.” seungcheol smiles, looking lazily over his shoulder at the younger boy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“shouldn’t you be resting?” seungkwan mutters, a yawn escaping him as he shuffles over to seungcheol. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i need some time to adjust to my new medication.” seungcheol says easily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ah.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol likes the way that seungkwan leans into him, always the initiator of skinship. seungcheol likes everything about seungkwan. the way he smells fresh all the time, how much effort he puts into his skin, how gently he plays with seungcheol’s fingers when they hold hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan’s entire being is nothing less than beautiful and seungcheol hopes he gets to have him forever. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan’s meant to be a star. his every move is admirable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you lost in the stars again?” seunkwan teases, lighthearted but it reaches seungcheol’s soul</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol hums, “it’s not unfavourable.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol thinks seungkwan is similar to seungmin. his love for his brother differs greatly for his love for seungkwan, (much more than he’d like to say out loud) but they both have some scary intuition to the depths of seungcheol’s mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol supposes it’s because seungkwan is just as tender and compassionate as seungcheol. they have the same benevolent tendencies. seungcheol also supposes that, seungkwan’s trails through life and living expressively, open heartedly, makes him recognise the hardships of others much easier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“penny for your thoughts hyung.” seungkwan hums gently, after what he deemed was a long enough halt in discussion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol doesn’t hesitate much with seungkwan, but this once, he feels as if maybe this concern is too overpowering for it to be deemed simply a thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what if, what if i face it all alone tomorrow?” seungcheol asks, seungkwan shimmies under seungcheol’s arm and rests in seungcheol’s embrace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“that’s my line.” seungkwan breathes into seungcheol’s neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>truly, ultimately, it is. seungkwans mind flutters with worries of loneliness almost constantly, seungcheol knows it too. but he’d be lying if he didn’t share similar worries. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>nevertheless, seungcheol laughs, light, easy. always with seungkwan. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’re never alone with us. i think, there’s too many of us and we love you too much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol sighs,  “that's true” he says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but, more than that, more than the numbers of the members, or from the charts, or anything like that. i think, most importantly, we have a destiny. if not the whole group then at least you and me. a destiny and a promised tomorrow. the thing I feared the most was, what if the group disbands? that’s always what i’ve worried about. because i never want to lose the sensation of seventeen. i don’t know if that’s your biggest worry too. i don’t doubt that it’s on your mind but hyung, you’re kind. your heart years for people. much like my own. so i think. as long as your desire to love others exists, you can never be alone.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol would deem jihoon the most eloquent in the group. he’s poetic. an artist. but seungkwan, seungkwan speaks the words of a heart which has faced too much too fast. seungkwan speaks and reassures with his everything in his words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“how ‘bout you?” seungcheol asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“i’ve been thinking. ever since i broke down at the concert, and since the argument with mingyu hyung and vernonie, i’ve been thinking. i truly,” seungkwan breathes, eyes flickering up to the sky, “i think that, for me, seeing you guys, seeing how you’ve grown and how you know once you were just boys, too young to know even who to be, now on these stages. you’re finally recognised as the stars you are. it’s often dokyeom hyung, because we spent so much time together as vocalists, that brings me to tears. but it’s all the members. it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, hyung. i just never want it to end. i never want you to be forgotten, to disappear into the sky. i want you to live eternally through our music and i want you to be loved, admired, and held. i want your beauty to remain even when the world is crumbling.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol bites his lip, tears forming in his eyes.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but i know that’s not possible. so i like to hope that, even if i can’t have you, or seventeen, forever. i’d like to always remember us this way. bright, human, together.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol pretends like he doesn’t hear seungkwan sniffle, and seungkwan returns the favour. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>and for a moment, as seungcheol equally admires the scenic seoul, and holds seungkwan close, he thinks that, maybe, just maybe, being a star isn’t all that bad. not when he’s got another star right next to him, burning just as bright. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol likes a drink or too at times. sometimes quietly with myungho, or brightly with jeonghan. but mostly, tiredly, with jihoon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol and jihoon have had each other and only each other during times in their lives when they barely had themselves. jihoon’s a part of seungcheol’s soul. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>they drink in jihoon’s studio. jihoon likes whiskey, in small glasses with some ice. drunk slowly over an hour or two. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol forgets he’s an idol in these moments. feeling nothing more but buzzed on the drinks, the pretty purple lights of the studio and jihoon’s company. he spots a sweater of mingyu’s draped across the back of jihoon’s chair, he doesn’t mention it. (nor does he mention the little trinkets he sees littered across the room, gentle reminders of mingyu’s adventures abroad while jihoon naps. it’s too intimate. it’s not for him to mention.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“so, what’s with your plethora of love songs.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol scoffs, “i don’t know what you’re implying. not like you’re one to talk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“yes but at least i dont shove my heart into a box, labeling it under false pretenses. at least i acknowledge my emotions.” jihoon returns, snappy, always. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he’s not wrong, seungcheol thinks. but he doesn’t grant him that satisfaction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seungkwan’s been in love with you for years you know?” jihoon laughs after a noticing the way seungcheols face twists into one of thought congestion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seungkwan’s been in love with </span>
  <em>
    <span>hansol </span>
  </em>
  <span>for years.” seungcheol corrects, heart sinking, mouth suddenly dry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“hansol’s seungkwans best friend. he’s the force that keeps seungkwan in check. he stabilizes him.” jihoon corrects, tipping the whiskey bottle into seungcheol’s glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what makes you think he’s in love with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he shouldn’t ask, or indulge in jihoon’s tempered thoughts. but seungcheol’s curiosity always won over his better judgement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“the way you understand him is different. the way you hold his heart gently, the way you always want to understand him, how you never judge his tears or question them. you let them happen, you let him feel loved.” jihoon plays with a pen between his fingers as if saying such things comes easy to his mouth. seungcheol supposes it is easy for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“that sounds like why i’m in love with him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol hadn’t meant to say it like that, nor so easily. but there’s an euphoric after effect of letting those words into reality. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ah, there she is. you admitted to something.” jihoon muses, a light chuckle following. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“that was a trick.” seungcheol mutters, </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jihoon nods, “but a good one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol simmers in his confessional state for a moment. feeling awfully brave. it’s the whiskey, partially. but it’s also his heart, yearning for escape from his hold he has on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but i wasn’t lying.” jihoon announces, pulling seungcheol from his moment of courage. “he’s in love with you. he’s beyond in love with you. he’s been since before you even. seungkwan’s an old soul, someone who carries a lot on his shoulders. of course he’d fall for you, the one person who doesn’t just let that slide. the one person that persists, albeit quietly.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol flutters, breath sticking to his throat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“and you’re, in his words not mine, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘damn fine’</span>
  </em>
  <span>” jihoon laughs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol does too. but he’s dazed with the image of seungkwan in his mind, holding his heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“idol life is too busy for love.” jeonghan sighs, draping himself across the couch, forcing myungho to move up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i dont think so!” mingyu says quickly, perking up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“that’s cus you’re fucking our prod-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeonghan’s voice is cut off by a pillow to the face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m your hyung!” jeonghan screeches, yanking the pillow off of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“no you’re not.” seungcheol comments, not looking up from his phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“damn you.” jeonghan mutters, laying back down after shooting a flushed mingyu a wink. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i don’t think so either.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol and jeonghan both look over to seungkwan, who speaks distantly from where he’s sitting in seungcheol’s gaming chair. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“like you’d know.” jeonghan chuckles, eyeing seungcheol. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol frowns when jeonghan’s eyes land on him, does everyone know that he’s in love with seungkwan?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“well i wouldn’t be indifferent to trying. of course, some people have it easier, like, jihyo-ssi and daniel-ssi. cus they’re, y’know,” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“straight?” jihoon interjects. seungkwan swallows in embarrassment but nods. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“and others too,” seungkwan says, nodding at mingyu and glancing at jihoon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but, nevertheless, i think i’d like to try, if i were given the opportunity. i think you’re never too busy if the person matters enough.” seungkwan concludes, trying his best to avoid seungcheol’s peering eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“like chen hyung, mans was busy but he was still banging.” chan says lightly, suddenly in the conversation. he also gets a pillow to the face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what do you think, cheol hyung?” myungho asks, supposedly innocently but the way jeonghan and him share a look, seungcheol can’t help but wonder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i agree with seungkwan.” seungcheol says simply. trying his hardest to look indifferent. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeonghan snorts, “of course </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>this time it was seungkwan who threw the pillow, a scolding following soon after. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol likes that wonwoo is his roomate. he’s simple, likes similar games and always cleans. he also likes that wonwoo often passes out in the living room. especially on nights like tonight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan doesn’t have nightmares, children have nightmares, but he often has unpleasant dreams and seungcheol always welcomes him. seungkwan is also eternally grateful for the fact that seungcheol never mentions that going to hansol would be faster or easier, or that seungcheol’s on a whole other floor and it truly is a bit of a hassle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“bad dream?” seungcheol asks, opening the covers to let seungkwan slide into the bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan stands by the bed, not getting in “no.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol frowns, motioning as if to ask why seungkwan hasn’t laid down yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“not yet” seungkwan halts, “the nightmare hasn’t started yet.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol cocks an eyebrow, sitting up now. seungkwan’s tense, and seungcheol wants nothing more to hold him till he can absorb all the worries from seungkwans bones. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what are you talking about?” seungcheol asks gently, seungkwan’s eyes water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i, i need to tell you something. and i don’t want it to end badly, but i trust you to be careful with my heart so please. please don't let this be a bad dream.” seungkwan explains and seungcheol’s heart drops to his stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“okay. i’ll do my best.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“mingyu and jihoon hyung are dating.” seungkwan states, the tension not leaving his stance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol nods, “yeah, i think.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why,” sniff, “why can’t we?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol almost jumps, body straight as his eyes stare into seungkwan’s. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“we, i think we, i mean it feels like we’ve got this, </span>
  <em>
    <span>thing</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” it’s more of a question than seungkwan would’ve liked but he’s trembling and-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah.” seungcheol agrees. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i think we both know this isn’t just a leader, member relationship. or even a platonic friendship.” seungcheol says, gently taking seungkwan’s hands into his own, “and i think, like you said, i think we can make anything work. so if you’d like that then- umph!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol drops to the bed as seungkwan tackles him in a hug, arms wrapping quickly around the younger boy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“i’m crying again.” seungkwan mumbles into seungcheol’s shoulder weakly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol all but chuckles, pushing seungkwan’s face into his line of sight, “that’s okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan smiles at him, eyes softening and lip quivering, all seungkwan like. seungcheol’s heart aches as he sees the young innocent jeju boy shine in seungkwans eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“can you, uh,” seungkwan trails off, eyes avoiding seungcheols, “like, uh, kiss me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol laughs again, as if seungkwan’s request was ludicrous, “don’t have to ask.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>so seungcheol kisses him, it’s weird because seungkwan’s all sprawled over him and one of seungkwan’s arms is stuck between their bodies but it’s perfect because it’s them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol wonders why they ever worried about being alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(extra!)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“so,” jihoon laughs, “is this an after sex glow i see?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan almost drops the coffee cup in his hand as he chokes on the beverage in his mouth, “what?!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jihoon taps his own neck briefly twice before grinning at seungkwan and exiting the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan’s fingers travel down to where jihoon motioned and he prods at the skin, a dark red mark blossoming there, bright and noticeable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what’s wrong?” a sleepy voice remarks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungkwan turns, hand clasped around his throat, “you!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheols sleepy eyes widen in surprise as he reaches for seungkwan’s coffee mug, “what i do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>suddenly a loud wolf whistle is heard, both seungkwan and seungcheol look as they're met with soonyoung and seokmin, tutting at them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“choi seungcheol? who on earth scratched your back up like that!” soonyoung comments loudly, seungcheol and seungkwan cringing in unison. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“and seungkwan! did you get in a fight or something? that mark on your neck looks quite </span>
  <em>
    <span>intense</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” seokmin laughs, soonyoung joining in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>seungcheol and seungkwan share a pained look, but somehow, finally things feel complete. despite the circumstances. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>notes: 1: a quote from e.m foster’s “a room with a view” (page 21) </p></blockquote></div></div>
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